Scars and Shakes
by martianaimee
Summary: Disabled!Harry Harry with crippling anxiety, 3rd year
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to JKR (you guys all knew that) **

**1**

Ever since I can remember the idea of people knowing my name scared me, because what if I screwed up and that name everyone knew was severely dented with the error the one who held it created, which was so frightfully comforting about living with my uncle and aunt. But I guess the comfort of being invisible was over shadowed by the abuse and neglect they gave me for being so noticeable.

Before I went to Hogwarts I got to be in my own little world under the stairs. Before my new room here I got to sit in my cupboard and count spiders without being noticed. Sometimes I was even forgotten, but I kind of liked that feeling. I rested on that. After I became known as the "boy who lived" I never got that feeling again. That feeling of being invisible was replaced with fear and nervousness. And so now whenever I get into a bad situation I just feel like curling up into a ball and trying to become invisible again. People need me though. So I have to suppress the feeling of being invisible to save people a lot more capable than me. The only reason I have to do it is because I have the name. The boy who lived. Sometimes I think fate made a mistake and I'm the wrong boy who lived.

1st year wasn't that hard because I was still young enough to think the world was good. 2nd year wasn't hard either because I didn't know I always had to be the hero. I thought it was a part time job. Not a full time responsibility. And this year thinking about what will happen, because something always happens, and how I have to be the one to save everyone makes me shudder. Because what if the boy who lived, who succeeded two times before, can't save us this time and-

My dangerous thoughts were cut off by Ron shaking me awake.

"Come on Harry! Wake up its time for breakfast!" He yelled into my ear as I stop the shaking from happening again. _Not in front of Ron_, I think.

"Yeah, Ron I-I'm getting up okay?" I say groggy, Even though I've been awake for hours. I place my face in my hands and take a deep breath to calm myself before I get up for the chaos of the day. Before I can take a step out of bed I'm dragged out of bed and thrown my clothes by my red haired best friend who has no idea what kind of warfare goes on in my head every day. If I told Ron he wouldn't understand. Hermione on the other hand knows and is very understanding. She is good at putting herself in your shoes.

As I pull on my pants I'm breathing better now and I think I can make it through breakfast without the shaking today. I just have to prepare for the Quidditch game later. Those have been getting harder and harder ever since holiday and it scares me that I don't know why.

"Harry! Come on!" Ron yells from down the stairs. I quickly pull on my robes over my crooked button down uniform and throw a tie around my neck. Then I follow Ron strait down the path to destruction.

The great hall is where everybody is, People I like, People I don't like, People I look up too and people that look up to me. Even though they shouldn't. I see Hermione in a sea of red. Fred, George, Ginny and Ron around her. The seat next to her is empty and meant for me. When Seamus tries to sit there I see her shake her head and point to me. My head moves down, so no one will see me. I don't want Seamus to be mad I took his seat. I don't want to be that kid.

_No, not now Harry okay? Not here._ I say to myself to make the shakes go away before I sit down in a place I feel safe. With my friends who love me.

_I am okay. I am okay._

"Harry! We thought you'd never make it!" Says Fred smiling only out the sides of his mouth. I mimic him by smiling also. The smile must seem forced since Hermione is staring me down like she is planning on interrogating me.

"So Ginny, How has second year been treating you?" George to the rescue.

"Better than first year. Or so I think, I can't remember half last year." Ginny says giggling.

_Oh I get it. _Voldemort joke. From last year's chamber stunt that I got blamed for then became the savior of. _Why is everything so confusing?_

The rest of breakfast was chatter and things I don't remember. I remember feeling safe though. Safe with all my friends and safe without threat. I haven't been threatened yet. But it is only the beginning of the year.

_Wait._ The dementor on the train was a threat, Aunt Marge was a threat, and Sirius Black is a threat. Never mind. I feel safe with my friends kind of, but less safe thinking of my happiness being ripped from me with just one kiss or being pulled out of school for blowing up my Aunt or letting the man who betrayed my parents roam free. I feel them coming. _No. Go away. Go away! _My inner monologue screamed at the terrifying feeling I was faced with so many times before.

"Come on Harry, Potions today." Hermione nudges me out of my attack and I grab my books to go to class. _Close one._ I think as I walk away from those feelings leaving them in the seat I escaped from, but only to go to the hardest class to keep calm in and the most threatening environment.

**REVIEW AND COMMENT **


	2. Hermione, the rescue

**2**

My eyes averted from the professor in front of me so that I wouldn't get called on for this particular question. Never the less, "Potter, can you tell me why Mr. Weasley's potion is Orange when the directions specifically said Stir until bright green?" My potions professor said in a harsh hissing voice to make sure you know he wants you to fail.

"Uh I-I um, He" The words can't escape the prison in my brain.

"Or maybe you could tell me what is so dangerous about adding too much leech juice into a Shirking Solution?"

I put my head down and leave it there. Maybe if I can't see him he can't see me. _I wish I was Invisible. I wish I was invisible. I wish I was invisible._

"Seems as if Mr. Potter cannot answer the simple question, I will have to ask someone else to answer." Snape says. His hissing directed at me.

My hand was shaking profusely but within milliseconds Hermione grabs my shaking hand without so much as looking at it and shoots up her free hand and can hardly wait to be called on.

"Ms. Granger, how did I know it was going to be you?" Snape spat out sarcastically.

"Well, the reason why Ron's solution is orange instead of green is because he added either to many rat spleens or too much leech juice. In this case too much leech juice, I watched him poor the bottle in without measuring. And how this could be dangerous is that any mistakes in this potion could make it entirely poisonous, especially if there is a color change." Hermione says without missing a beat. Her answer was flawless just like her potion. Ron was hiding his face too but it was because he was just publically humiliated in front of the class for not following directions.

"Correct Granger," Snape said a little disappointed sounding that she was spot on. "As for you Mr. Weasley you will need to pay more attention in class if you ever want to go anywhere. Your brother Percy was quite great at potions. You might want to take some lessons from him since my teaching seems to bore you." After Snape said that Ron's face went as red as his hair when he lifted his head to glare at Hermione and I was just glad I didn't have to stay after class today.

"Potter, see me after class. Dismissed." Spoke to soon. Hermione gave me an apologetic look when she saw my hand shaking. As I walk up to Snape's desk the shaking gets worse so I hold my hands behind my back so he doesn't notice.

"What was that Potter. I expect you to answer my questions with at least an 'I don't know.' Next time I hope to see that. That is all." He seethed out as I walked back wards two steps before turning around and speeding out of his dungeon of a classroom only to find Hermione waiting for me.

"How was that?" She asked.

"It was fine. I didn't have to say anything. He did all the talking, it wasn't that terrifying. Ron okay?" I try to avert the conversation from me.

"I don't know he walked straight past me on the way out of class. I think he is mad at me for telling on him." Hermione said regretfully.

"Hey," I say trying to sound reassuring "Ron will get over it. I'll talk to him later. We have to get to Transfiguration before the first detention of the year." As I said it I realized that I haven't really gotten into any trouble yet. And that's good. Last year Ron and I were already serving our time for wrecking the whomping willow. This year I'll try to blend in, so I don't get in any trouble. Except with my luck that is nearly impossible. "We better not be late to charms either."

After Charms I saw Ron speeding out of the class room. Most likely avoiding me. I see his eyes dart to me then away from me. Sometimes he makes me feel small, but I need to talk to him anyway so I swallow my fear and straighten my back and proceed towards my best friend.

"Hey," I say on my way to the great hall for lunch "Ron, you know she didn't mean to make you feel bad."

"Oh, yeah! Course not! She got you to talk to me, 'cause she is real sorry. And she doesn't want to talk to me on her own' cause she cares so much." He spits out at me like he's rehearsed. With finger quotes and everything.

"No, she just-

"Just what," My words were cut off by my angry best friend. Who I'm pretty sure is angry at me as well. "Just pulled you onto her side again? Harry, we're supposed to be best friends. Why do you always take her side?" Ron stormed off and left me in an empty hallway. Empty enough for my thoughts to attack me again.

I leaned up against a wall to get support so I could catch my breath that had just escaped my lungs with no intention of coming back. _You're okay Harry. It isn't your fault. Not today okay. Not here okay. You're okay. _Caught it. As the air filtered back into my lungs I straightened up and rubbed my eyes before taking step after step, entering for lunch and sitting by Hermione to shield myself from Ron's misdirected fury.

"Oh! Harry you're here." Hermione said sounding relived. I just smiled at my friend hoping she could see past it to the feelings I can't describe. She looks back at me without so much as a diagnosis for what I feel, even though she's the smartest girl I know. _Figures._ I think while faking a smile before I sit down. We aren't sitting with the Weasley's so Ron must be, Hermione knows better than to sit with him.

"If we leave him alone long enough with his family he'll come running back to us in an instant" Hermione says as I sit down. She sprays the words out with a devilish grin painted across her face. I love that look. The Hermione patented look of intelligence and mischief. It was a look only known to her and only known by me, and maybe Ron.

I was happy to have a friend as observant as Hermione, because even if I didn't say it she always knew. She was too clever for her own good and smart beyond compare. She made me proud to be her friend. She and Ron were the closest things I ever got to siblings, so I will take it for what it is. Even if means Ron being mad sometimes and Hermione knowing my every thought. I will never be able to lose them, because I'll lose myself.

**AT:** I'm thinking some Draco action in the next chapter!

**REVIEW COMMENT**


End file.
